Rob is out of town this week, and I decided to go it alone (with Scarlett) for three nights. This was no small decision. Though I used to love a night or two on my own while Rob traveled for work (think cereal for dinner and bad tv), there are now so many details to think through, and so much planning required, that it’s become more stressful than fun. In a practical sense, it would be easier to have someone stay at the house with me, and there is no shortage of people who would be happy to do that.
But I want to do it myself. I want to have dinner with my daughter, give her a bath, read to her, put her to bed, and watch crap TV until my own bedtime. I want to be the one to guide her back to her room when she wanders out at 10pm, lost in the sleepy confusion of a dream. Am I being independent or stubborn? Probably a bit of both.
Of course, I would never put Scarlett in a dangerous situation. Here’s the main reason that it’s possible for me to stay home with only a 4-year-old to help with the tough stuff: because she can help. I ask her to do things it would never have occurred to me to ask if I was a healthy, mobile mom. She’s been helping me in the kitchen since she was two years old, but now she can make a quiche by herself. She can set the table and get condiments out of the fridge. She can manage her entire bath without assistance. I don’t leave her alone while she does these things, but it’s her little hands that do the work, not mine.
The other night we were lying in her bed, reading. After the book, I struggled to sit up to turn off the lamp on her nightstand. Seeing my difficulty, she jumped out of bed and said, “Mama, I’ll do it!” and ran around to my side to turn off the light. She will pick things up off the ground that I can’t reach. She will open doors for me, and clean up spills. You can argue that any 4-year-old can and should do these things. Maybe yours do. I’m just not sure that Scarlett would have learned to take on this level of responsibility at her age if our situation didn’t require it.
As I thought about this, I recalled an article by Elizabeth Kolbert that I read in The New Yorker about the independence of American kids versus that of kids from other cultures. Ok, I actually recalled none of that, but I did remember that I had read something that was about kids in other cultures…and responsibility…maybe something about knives? So thankful for Google.
It’s a fascinating article, citing the fact that 2/3 of American parents think their kids are spoiled, and focusing on other—more effective? you decide.—parenting styles in Peru and France. Essentially, the argument goes, the less you hover over your kids, the less you do for them, the happier and more successful they will ultimately be.
Some of the examples seemed extreme. The Matsigenka tribes in the Peruvian Amazon expect their young kids to hunt for dinner and then cook it, chores that I think fit squarely in the realm of adults (or older kids, at the very least.) In the comments section, detractors noted that Matsigenkan children have been wounded and maimed by this approach. Scarlett does not fish for our dinner, and she isn’t allowed at the stove unattended. But I have witnessed that giving her more autonomy around food preparation and decisions makes her a very self-reliant and able kid, not to mention a good eater.
She’s still a 4-year-old. Sometimes, when I ask her to grab the ketchup, she growls that she is “TOO TIRED!” If I ask her to pick up her books, the response might be more whiny than I would like. And she’s a far cry from the French kids who can sit through a three-course restaurant meal without complaint.
But I can see that she’s learning something good from our experience, something that I hope will make her feel confident about her own abilities for the rest of her life. This wasn’t a conscious parenting choice, more like an experiment born out of necessity. And it’s working for us. If she can help with some things, and I can help with some things, then we’re both more independent.
We’re also both really stubborn. But that’s another story.
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Resilient, strong, independent, caring, helpful; what parent wouldn’t want a child with these qualities? This post is sure to encourage those not forced by necessity into experimenting. How much can kids handle? Probably much more than most of us think. Enjoy your one-to-one time with Scarlett, Sarah!
Thanks Margaret! xoxo
I am inspired by you more and more every day Sarah. I love the way you think and I love the way you write.
Thank you, Jeanna! Miss you guys already.
With 3 children, growing up far quicker than I had ever imagined, this post brought tears to my eyes. ALS can mean more than the destruction of their childhood. Thank you for the reminder.
Sarah
You should not only be proud of Scarlett, but proud of yourself too. You are raising a child who knows what it means to help, what it means to be involved in the lives of those she loves, what it means to give. You are raising a daughter who will be a strong, capable woman; a daughter who will be able to look after herself long after you leave her. This should be the goal of every mother. You didn’t plan it this way, but perhaps, just perhaps, you might have done these things regardless. After all, isn’t that you?
Well done.
Richard
Richard, despite having never met you in person, I really, really like you. xo
I love this post, and I want Scout to make me a quiche.
Sarah: It’s been a very long time since I remember you at Rehm with your mom, you were a beautiful child and have grown in to a lovely woman overcoming life’s hardships. Your willingness to share the experience will offer encouragement to others. Best to you and your family.