I’m sick of thinking about ALS this week. I feel like I live in a land of meaningless press releases and articles promising breakthroughs that never come. It’s hard to stay positive, easy to get cynical. And from there it’s a slippery slope to downright depression. I don’t want to go to that place.
So let’s talk about Otto. He is 10 months old and still not neutered, because there has been some discrepancy between the information we received from our vet to chop him at six months and Rob’s research indicating that waiting longer would be better for the shape of Otto’s head or something like that. I mostly stay out of the conversation, because the presence of dog testicles doesn’t really affect my life on a daily basis.
That is, until we were trying to plan our latest trip to Lake Tahoe, and no one would take our horny, humping, aggressive maniac. Otto went to two different “auditions” at small home-based kennels that claimed to be happy to care for an unfixed puppy. After both attempts, he was gently invited to find somewhere else to stay. One woman said, “He’s a beautiful dog…and he knows it.”
We debated hiring a stranger to stay at our house with him while we were away, but ultimately decided to put him in a doggie hotel in San Francisco, where for the bargain price of insanely expensive, he could have a little suite to himself that would keep him away from all of the dogs that he is so very eager to dominate. It’s a lonely existence for a puppy with balls.
Once we get Otto fixed, I don’t anticipate that this type of thing will continue to be a problem. There are many more options for animals who are not trying to consummate their relationship with everyone they meet, regardless of species.
Scarlett, however, does not like this idea at all. “I know you want to cut these things off Otto,” she accused me one day. “I don’t want you cutting them off. I want him to be able to have babies.”
“I’m not cutting anything off of anyone,” I responded. “Just so you know.”
So Otto still has two little brown coconuts between his legs, and this can also cause trouble for him at the dog park, where the other dogs go nearly crazy at the idea that their new frenemy is intact.
Getting Otto was the right thing to do for my family, but maybe not exactly the right thing to do for me. (Kind of like going on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe.) Having a puppy and a young kid and ALS and a husband who works a lot have all conspired to make the transition pretty challenging. It still makes me sad that I can’t have much of a relationship with Otto at all.
But the good parts balance that out. What makes me the happiest about having him is when he and Scarlett are bonding or when he and Rob are roughhousing or when he is sleeping and therefore not eating anything off the counter.
So I thought it was sweet the other day, when I rolled up to where Scarlett and Otto were cuddling on his dog bed. It appeared to be an unusually mellow moment between the two of them, their energies equally matched at a level I could handle. I often have to tell her to get her hands out of his eyes and nose, or stop yelling into his ears, but this time all seemed copacetic. And then I observed that Scarlett was lazily squeezing a handful of ripe coconuts. It was as if she had found some wonderful new stress reliever, and she was meditating on it, as they both rested calmly. Otto seemed unperturbed, which I guess is the best one can hope for in that situation.
“Please don’t touch Otto’s private parts,” I told her firmly, thinking to myself these things are nothing but trouble.
Her hand fell. “Fine,” she said carelessly, as if agreeing to stop eating broccoli.
New items for the to do list:
-neuter the dog
-get Scarlett an actual stress reliever toy, maybe something in the shape of a boob?
-think positive thoughts
Back to All Posts
Yeah. They do say that leaving males intact for longer is a good thing. It definitely makes them look more “ruggedly male” (we like to call it “thuggishly handsome” at our house) in the long run. And also, apparently reduces the incidence of certain types of cancers later in life. But…balls. Right there. Dangling, swinging, squeezing out between their legs when they lie down. Resting, sometimes moistly, on the floor when they sit nice for treats. My human sensibilities are all “Chop’em off!” because dog balls are seriously gross. But make sure to get a picture for posterity and/or the family Christmas card the next time your daughter uses her stress balls.
Hah!
Thank you for the laugh and I love your vocab 
lol!
OK, how exactly do you manage to make us all laugh so hard?????
The images… so descriptive. And accurate.
Amazing.
Hahahaha! Great story!
I’m still wiping my eyes. I always appreciated your sense of humor, but you’ve honed it down to an art. I don’t want to burst your anticipatory bubble, but Lucy was “fixed”, a female and 8 years old and still humping every dog, human shin and toddlers within her reach—good luck!
And that is why we call her Lucifer!
Hi Sarah. Juggling my own stress balls and looking for alternatives to help manage severe pain and mobility issues with assorted spine issues, I came across the following links – and you popped into my head. So I’m leaving this comment here today, which feels a bit like leaving a well-intentioned but unrequested PB&J sandwich on someone’s counter. I have no affiliation with any business hitched to these links.
http://www.greenbridgemed.com/als-patient-lou-gehrigs-disease-cbd-and-thc-acid/
https://www.projectcbd.org/als
What do you think?
Hilarious!
Thank you for a good laugh. You have such a beautiful spirit and with all that you are dealing with it is so uplifting to hear your humor and spread it around to complete strangers.
Hilarious!
I’m sharing this post not because I like you, but because it’s a f’ng brilliant piece of writing.
xoxo
I just crack up over ‘handful of ripe coconuts’!!! Priceless. Our golden had his removed at like 10 months. We simply couldn’t take the ‘hugs’ my 7 year old daughter received from him daily. She loved it. I felt like child services was going to write us up. He’s 1 1/2 now and doesn’t seem to miss them. I know I don’t.
Huge grin on my end. Otto’s finely-shaped head is becoming a real sacrifice.
My fave is the post between you and your Nana!
Go, Sarah!
I sat in my car reading this and was laughing so hard over your post that tears were streaming down my face. I looked up and saw that a women was sitting in her car right next to me, trying not to look at the crazy person next to her. This, of course, made me laugh harder. Your writing is off the charts amazing– a piece on a dog’s coconuts becomes an art form. By the way, I love that Scout was speaking up for the rights of her beloved pet to keep his family jewels.