Who wants to hear a stupid story? Ready? Scarlett is Superstar of the week at school, which means she filled out a questionnaire about herself, decorated a poster with a life-size tracing of her body, and brought numerous items in to show the class, including her favorite book, which is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Book 7), but she had to bring in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Book 1), because 7 is not really appropriate for a class of six- and seven-year-olds. Exhibit A: The first chapter is called The Dark Lord Ascending, and the teacher reads part of the book to the class. Also, a lot of the girls are reading this series, and we didn’t want to ruin anything for those who hadn’t finished yet. So we compromised and sent the first book.
That’s not the stupid story. It’s just the build up.
She’s had a great week as Superstar. Being the center of attention has helped her behave and listen well in general, which she has trouble with, but she’s also six years old so I don’t think that’s terribly abnormal. And last night at dinner she decided she wanted to decorate a small piece of paper with stickers for each girl in her class. There are 21 of them, so not including Scarlett we needed 20 pages.
She set to work and finished 13 last night. This morning she was to do the remaining seven before school. As her carpool was coming, she triumphantly announced that she had 20 pages done. And then she told me she had included the teachers. Which means, for all you math geniuses out there, that two girls were missing. It’s not like this was something she had to do. It’s not like it had anything to do with me. And yet, when I realized her ride was on the way, and her sweet idea was incomplete, I totally lost my shit. I yelled at her.
“I told you not to do the teachers!” I bellowed.”I have no idea which girls are missing, and you can’t take things in if you don’t have enough for everyone!”
She scrambled, trying to figure it out, pulling out the cards for the teachers and rifling through the rest. I was livid, and let me just acknowledge that I was probably not actually angry about these tiny little pages that were so well intentioned. I have been furious lately, my bouts of anger punctuated by moments of deep sadness, guilt, and regret. Which is what I’m sitting with right now, because she left without her gifts for her friends, and all I can think about is that an able mom would have just helped her organize them. I literally had a class list in front of me. If my hands worked, I could have figured it out in 30 seconds. Instead I sat in my chair yelling like a psycho, belittling a person who was just trying to do something nice.
In the middle of this, the heating guy showed up for his 8:30 appointment. It was 7:40. Otto started going crazy, and I sank further into a bizarre despair that had nothing to do with anything that was actually taking place. Scarlett left, I burst into tears, and I texted my sister to tell her what had happened. The dictation picked up almost nothing, making me so frustrated that I would have thrown the phone across the room if I could lift my arms.
I cannot handle this. There, I said it. I can deal with the normal frustrations of being a mom, but I cannot deal with ALS getting in the way of things that should be easy. It’s not OK. I didn’t even wait at the door with her for her ride, just sent her out. I am defeated this morning, and I don’t want to hear any kind words about how I’m doing the best I can. This morning I did not do my best. I let this disease take over. I’ve been doing that more lately, as I lose again and again.
Otto came in and proceeded to eat a stuffed animal and pull the garbage out of the container. He is in a timeout in his crate right now. I seriously wish I could get in there with him.
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Hugs for all my superstars.
Ohhhhh friend. I am so sorry.
Order some flowers for Scarlett (or something else that can be Seamless delivered today) and then sit down with her when she gets home and apologize. Say you are sorry, mean it, explain why it was important for her to have the right number, but you were really just mad at ALS because you couldn’t help her with it. But that’s not an excuse and you just apologize. She will understand, forgive you, and learn something. And you’ll both feel better.
Just a suggestion. Sending you much love!
Hugs, I am finding myself frustrated and angry this week too. I am sorry Sarah, this is so unfair.
If it helps at all, I lose my patience way more than I should with my 1st grader, over things I shouldn’t, and I’m “able bodied”. You’re human (kinda super human in my eyes), you’re a mother, try not to beat yourself up (impossible I know). Big hugs xxx
I get that way too from time to time. When I do I think about all of those with ALS who can only move their eyes, and I pray for them and am grateful for all that I can do.
That sucks. But all moms screw up sometimes. And you will beat yourself up all day. I would too. But remember she’s 6. She was probably disappointed for 5 minutes until the next exciting thing happened in the car ride or at school. And she’s resilient. She’s resilient partly because she’s young and its inherent, but also because of the million other times you did things right. You’ll do it better next time. Please forgive yourself.
Whether you want to hear it or not, the truth is… YOU are a ROCKSTAR!!!!!!!!!! Whether you like it or not, YOU, choose to open your eyes every morning and participate in life. This my friend, only scratches the surface, of the AMAZING person that you are! I only wish I had the words or the power to make it better, but you are an AMAZING and LOVING mom!!!
Sending hugs and solidarity-rage. I would be angry all the time. It’s not f-ing fair.
We are all human…. and we all do so things that we regret or wish we can take back
But I think you are a wonderful Mom and have no doubt that when she gets home
She will feel like a superstar then too❤️
even though i am a crazy republican, i will hate the election today if it makes you smile
So sorry, Sarah.
You are such a great Mom which is obvious from all you say and all that you don’t.
Maybe knowing that losing it is part of the deal even without ALS helps with perspective. And with this monster illness, it’s all the more understandable. How could you not cave to the frustration, the sadness, the anger, helplessness, hopelessness and the suckiness of it all now and then?
You are such a hero to me and other PALs for being strong and weak, serious and funny, for being real and vulnerable and beautiful.
Sometimes, after a cry, I find a hug, a joke, and a bowl of chocolate pudding help. Or just a nap.
right on, Andrea!
Sarah,
I will not attempt to dilute your frustration / grief / anger but I go through such bouts of anger and frustration and take it out on my teenager. And I do not have ALS blame it on. Living life itself seems such a difficult task and ALS makes it monumentally difficult. Hugs my friend, tight hugs.
It may sound lame, but I’m thinking of you.
Don’t know why this came to mind…. but 30 years ago I had a 2 hour standoff with a 3 yr old over a piece of cheese!! I still beat myself up over it!
Sarah, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you ARE doing your best. I do not have ALS, but Jay does and I lose it many times and then get angry at myself for lashing out at my sweet husband. It is the disease making us all behave the way we are. We love you lots and Peyton was so thrilled to meet Scarlett. Lots of love to you.
When a horrific disease has hijacked a whole list of abilities you’d normally use to deal with a situation, I’m thinking you’re allowed a shit reaction or five. Sorry it’s so sucky today.
Shit. When I do this. I give them a token or note that says..a homework pass, or a chore pass…and use it as a role model that we are not all perfect. My son, who is now 32 (and a homeless Heroin addict) ugh..had a whole box of them just in case. He was always on my last nerve so I had to freely give these out!!!! As I became crazier than he was..and I was the parent
.
Am I nuts or isn’t losing your shit with the kids just part of being a mom? Because I have a word for women who don’t, they are called grandmothers. They seem to never lose their shit probably because they lost their shit 30 years ago and just wish they hadn’t. Or they’re too tired now to give a shit. Anyway-it sucks when it happens and you regret it, so apologize and then praise the heck out of her. If you do feel like the anger is getting the better of you, more often than you like, or interrupting your peace-you can choose to let it go.
It’s hard but the more I choose to let things go it gets easier…
Some days you just have to stick out your bottom lip and go eat worms. It’s okay to feel shitty. GrannaOnTheFarm
Watched my son and daughter in law (pals) for days after thanksgiving be angry, angry sad, sad frustrated, angry exhausted, depressed angry. And they adore each other! I just want to make it better and I can’t. ALS sucks. Sucks the life out of people.
Ok, so today was not one of your better days.
Let’s look at a few facts:
1.. Scarlett is 6.
2.. School mornings are busy and at times frustrating.
3. Otto did what dogs do sometimes…. Wreck shit.
4. You had no heat.
5. You lost control for a moment in time because you hate what ALS is doing to you and your family. You can always explain to Scarlett how upset you were at yourself because you wanted to be able to help her with such a thoughtful, caring act and because of ALS you couldnt. No one has to tell you that you are a great mom or that Scarlett doesn’t know how much you love her, she knows.
I had one hell of a supermom day myself yesterday. Everything about it just sucked: the events that occurred and my feelings of overwhelming guilt afterwards. I spent a lot of the night thinking about grace and forgiveness (not in a religious sense) because I could tell I was quickly heading down a nasty road of depression. I have a lot of work to do around this, but what I awoke with this morning is that, ultimately, my kids simply need me, in whatever form I may be that day. Sometimes I act poorly. Some of those acts are forgivable, and some of them are even forgettable. It’s very possible that my son will have neither feelings for me later in life, but I was as honest as possible with him about my behavior, and how it made me feel, and why it occurred. Now I need to start a new day.
On this day, you did not do your best. That’s true. On another day, you will do better than most can fathom under the circumstances.
ALS has fucked you royally, and Scarlett too. And, NO, you did NOT deserve it – and there is a long list of really evil, vile human beings who DO deserve ALS, yet they’re able to use their working arms to create unthinkable harm to others. Totally fucked up!!! (And, yes, I meant all of that!)
Even without ALS, I lose my shit with my precious 6 year old because I’m a single mom who is overworked and just bone tired most of the time with little support and a strong-willed, fierce little spirit in the house.
After months of my therapist’s obnoxious hourly rate, she earned it by telling me that no one is or needs a perfect mother, that a “good enough mother” is just perfect. And for whatever reason that bullshit didn’t seem like bullshit. Years later, it has meant the world to me. I am a good enough mom.
And so are you.
Oh, the mom guilt. I’m sure there’s dad guilt and other people guilt but I only know mom guilt, and It. Is. Fierce. I can’t imagine the frustration that ALS piles on top of it. But you do so many things right, under such difficult circumstances. Scarlet will remember those times and I hope you will, too.