I woke up early this morning, my hair matted down under my breathing mask, so thirsty I could feel the dry pockets in my mouth eviscerating all the moisture in the room. Sleeping is uncomfortable now, so that sometimes, when I find myself in the perfect position (usually on my side, with my legs tucked up in psychic regression) I feel that I have never been happier. Take something away, take it away again and again, and then return it, even just partially. It’s either the definition of bliss or the definition of torture. I can’t decide.

Otto woke up at 5:30 AM, crying in his crate next to Rob’s side of the bed. He’s been sleeping pretty well, but it’s still something like having a new baby, and Rob mutters his displeasure at these early risings. It’s not just the dog. When I’m thirsty in the middle of the night, I need Rob’s help to wrestle the mask up above my lips, to hold my water bottle up so I can drink. When my legs are so leaden under blankets that used to feel like air, I have to ask him to roll me over. Then the dog cries, then Scarlett appears. Then it’s breakfast time, the day has begun, and we feel that we didn’t get quite enough night.

The nighttime difficulties make me feel the most helpless. I lie there for as long as I can, not wanting anyone else to be disturbed, and still, eventually, I throw the sleep grenade. I have to. Read More>