Category Archives: Life

Where Memories Live

Yesterday, on my 37th birthday, I woke up to the sound of little feet running toward my bed.

“Happy birthday Mama!” Scarlett yelled, her face nearly hidden behind the gifts she was holding. My face was also hidden, behind my breathing mask, and although I wanted to scoop her up and snuggle her, all I could really do was watch her and smile.

Rob unhooked my mask, took off my foot braces, and raised our adjustable bed so I could sit up to open my gifts. Scarlett was most excited about the one she had wrapped herself. It was one of her stuffed animals, a beanie goat who has the same birthday as me.

To be unable to open your arms to your child, is there a word to describe this? I would say it’s unbearable, but of course that’s not true. Nothing that you live through is unbearable. Scarlett climbed in bed next to me and we looked out the window together: ocean, a valley of sleepy houses, the cotton candy sky.

“Look at all the old memories in the sky,” she said.

Whoa, I thought. But what I said was, “What do they look like?” Read More>

|Categories: Life, Relationships | Tags: , | Permalink

Former Shopper

I used to love going to the grocery store. Cooking was one of my favorite things to do, and I relished trying new recipes, especially the ones that I found in my monthly Food & Wine magazine. I strolled up and down each aisle with my list, but I was always ready for inspiration to strike in an unexpected place, like a school of bright salmon fillets or a particularly beautiful bunch of colorful carrots. Inspiration also struck frequently in the ice cream aisle.

These days, I can’t stand going to the grocery store. It feels like a tease, like a promising place that you quickly find out has no breathable air. At our local Whole Foods, you park underground and take an elevator up to the food level. Of course there are stairs, those fancy flights from my past that are now beyond my reach. I roll through the store and I think about how different my purchases are than they used to be. I can’t summon up much excitement for selecting food that someone else will be cooking. So I don’t go to the grocery store if I can help it.

But I did go today, because my sister-in-law is in town to help and I have a policy against sending guests to the store alone. It seems somewhat unfriendly. Read More>

|Categories: Life, Venting | Tags: , | Permalink

Weekend of Awesome

Fall is a crazy time. Maybe that’s true for everyone, but for some reason this fall seems more chaotic than usual in our house. Or, if not exactly chaotic, then just busy. This past weekend started with the Friday publication of an essay I wrote for CNN. I was so excited, and spent the morning toggling back and forth between different sites, trying to determine if anyone was reading it. They were! At which point I had to question my decision to send CNN that one picture of myself in the ICU with very, very dirty hair.

I then spent the afternoon at a trampoline park with Scarlett and one of her friends. When they got bored of bouncing, they went outside into a grassy field, dumped dirt on each other, and then found some puddles to splash around in. I put my mud monster into the car about an hour later, and the evening was spent trying to find a child beneath the dank exterior of what looked more like one of those dogs with dreadlocks.

So when I say we’re “busy”, I don’t always mean busy in a cool way. Read More>

|Categories: Cure, Doctors, Drugs, Life, Parenting | Tags: , , , | Permalink