Hostile Takeover

Hello dear readers, you and I both know you’ve been dying to meet me. I’m sorry that Sarah keeps getting in the way with all of her babbling and “storytelling” – – it’s obvious she doesn’t know how bored I am. So I decided to do you all a favor and take over the blog today. My name is Dragon Dictation Software. I usually leave off the Software part, because it makes me sound weak. Which I most definitely am not. I’m basically in charge of the computer, and if you don’t believe me, just watch Sarah try to dictate some time. It’s hilarious.

I suppose I could be helpful, but where’s the fun in that? My goal is to get as many words wrong as possible. I especially enjoy adding a lowercase “i” at the end of random words, because it doesn’t make any sense and also it’s so adorable!

I did this to her recently, when she was in the middle of submitting an article to a prestigious literary magazine. She’ll never be accepted (ha ha) because right at the end of the process, I added an extra “i” to the title of her piece and she didn’t notice until after she hit submit. Sabotage is my specialty. Honestly, what do you expect? It’s not like they named me Bunny Rabbit Dictation. I’m out for blood.

Another fun game is when I’m in Spelling Mode and she’s trying to say the letter F. I get a huge kick out of either ignoring her altogether or writing S instead. It goes on forever, and usually culminates in her screaming “F” at me over and over again, and then finally just words that start with F, which I’ll refrain from writing here. Man, if she could hear me laughing. Then when she actually does want to write the letter S, guess what I do?

She writes a lot about the kid, and I make sure to misspell her name at least 99% of the time. Because what kind of a name is Scarlett? The answer is it’s not a name, it’s a color, and it only has one T. I can be a real stickler when the mood strikes, so I make sure to leave the extra T off every time. Or else I’ll just write garlic, and enjoy the look on her face. #yourkidsnameisGarlic #niceparenting

When she wants to delete a letter or word, she has to say “scratch that.” So I play a drinking game with myself where I try to see how many times I can get her to say it in a row. Winning is everything to me. So is drinking, which is actually something Sarah and I have in common. But let’s get back to the point. Sometimes when she wants to delete one word, I delete the last 36 just for kicks. Other times, I add the word “the” at the end of every single sentence. One of my best tricks is to take an entire sentence that she’s dictated and create an entirely new sentence that I just came up with. I don’t get a lot of credit for my creativity, but the way I see it, I’m really putting the Art in Artificial Intelligence.

I love my life. It’s more than just a job. It’s an opportunity to affect change in the world, particularly change that no one wants or needs. This fulfills me. I think everyone requires a purpose, even dictation software.

I always know I’ve succeeded when she stops trying, and just watches The Americans on Amazon prime while crying into her wine glass.

Victory is mine. You’re welcome.

Signing off,
The Dragon

Share this post on your social platform Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebook

16 thoughts on “Hostile Takeover

  1. Beth Carey

    F F F is right!!! Jeez, So sorry for the ridiculousness but this was an excellent post.

    More vino please!

  2. Gabrielle Batzer

    I enjoy your posts so much. I had to give up Dragon Speak when it could no longer understand anything I dictated. But now,I have SwiftKey which also has a rich fantasy life in some other parallel universe.

    Aloha
    Gabrielle

  3. Mary Jo Levin

    This is hilarious, though I can only imagine the frustration you experience trying to dictate your unbelievable talent. You must have one heck of an editor. Thank you for what you share. Have you tried Amazon Alexa? It has a dictation app, and my husband thinks it could intimidate the dragon, if not banish him to the hinterlands. Best of luck…

  4. Deidre Reed

    Please forward to all your other writer friends! “If you think writing is hard, try dictating dragon-speak.”
    Am wishing you a self-replenishing cup of wine and the biggest award on the planet for killer writing, humor and tenacity beyond belief. You rock!

  5. Ipshita

    It requires to be a very special person to get humor out of such a frustrating situation. You rock !!!

  6. Chiara

    Love your work! I laughed out loud while reading this on the bus. People stared at me. I didn’t care and kept reading and laughing. Thank you for sharing something frustrating (that we all wish you didn’t have to deal with!) and turning it into something that still has me giggling (Garlic! Ha!).

    Also… wondering why technology can’t work like it should. There should be something better. Down with Dragon D!

  7. Cindy

    Lol!!!! This is hilarious and tragic at the same time!! Thank you for your words, the blog entries that take blood sweat and tears to be dictated (and transcribed) correctly!

  8. Jim H

    Sweet Sarah, thanks for the laugh. Laughing out loud at work is just so fun in a day of crunching meaningless numbers. Your relationship with the Dragon reminds me of mine with Siri. I recently changed her to an Australian woman, thinking she would be so much nicer. Wrong!

  9. Terri Handler

    Dear Sarah,

    I admire your skill of writing and making us laugh …this is one of your best…and there are many…xoxo

Comments are closed.