Learning to Fly

It’s been pretty well established on this blog that I spend most of my time sitting. That’s been true for about four years now, and as you may have read in any number of reputable publications, sitting all the time brings with it many health complications. Let me be more clear: I have a hemorrhoid. I apologize to those who feel this is too much information, but my little bottom feeder and I have been together for a while, and I named him yesterday so I thought I should introduce him. Not visually, don’t worry.

His name is Vance.

Web MD says that hemorrhoids are swollen veins, and that entire sentence makes me want to throw up. I think I just object to the words swollen and vein in such close proximity (both to me and to each other). Right about now, I’m guessing that those of you who were thinking I wonder when Sarah will write a new blog post are instead thinking Wow, I wish Sarah had kept this one to herself. But I simply couldn’t keep the wonder that is Vance from gracing the electronic pages that will live on after I’m gone. Read More>

|Categories: Life, Parenting, Progression, Relationships | Tags: , | Permalink

Liquid Gold

Apologies to my parents for this one.

It was my freshman year in college, and I had to get a job in order to contribute to my tuition. I had chosen an out-of-state school —the University of Wisconsin Madison —which was a relatively mean thing to do, because I could have gone to the University of Illinois and saved everyone a whole lot of money. But I don’t regret the decision at all and I was happy to work in order to attend the school of my choice. Except, that last part is a lie. I didn’t want to work! I wanted to make friends, meet boys, and go to parties.

I got a job in one of the school’s cafeterias. It was horrible. Everything smelled like wet mushrooms covered in dog hair. I had to wear a red jacket and possibly a hat (I have blocked this part out.) Two of my bosses kept hitting on me, and washing the dishes was very much like what I imagine falling into a dumpster would entail.

It’s not that I was lazy. I worked throughout high school: at an ice cream shop, a clothing store, a bakery. I babysat, and fed my neighbors’ cats. But the cafeteria just wasn’t working for me. I hated seeing my classmates and feeling like I was somehow different from them because of the red hat I may or may not have been wearing. I quit after one semester, but I still needed to make money.

No, I did not become a drug dealer. Read More>

|Categories: Cure, Diagnosis, Drugs, Life, Relationships | Tags: , , , , | Permalink

The Shining

Scarlett and Rob are skiing in Tahoe. I have spent three nights without them, and am definitely looking forward to having them home tonight. While they were gone, I had various people stay with me, including my sister, two caregivers, and my friend Andrea who is well-versed in ALS having lost her father to the disease.

So I’ve been well taken care of, but my mood was slippery. On Saturday afternoon, I sat on the back deck in the sun, watching Otto run laps to impress me. Still I was alone and lonely and I allowed myself a significant amount of time to reflect on how shitty this situation is. When Rob and Scarlett first started going to Tahoe without me, I was incensed. It hurt to be left out, especially because I was just beginning to understand that I would be left out of so many things, even while I was still alive. I have never felt like there are places I couldn’t go. At least, not places where I wanted to go. When your legs are strong and your feet will carry you, you can go anywhere. When your voice is strong and your breath a guarantee, you need not question your place in the world. When your hands can open and close and your arms can reach up and out, you are allowed to be connected.

But my breath doesn’t come easily, and I can no longer sleep in a normal bed without torturing myself and my family. So Tahoe trips take place without me. As do trips to Arizona and Florida and even concerts at inaccessible venues with smoke machines that would have me gasping whether or not I could roll in unassisted. Whose world is this, Nas asked, and his answer the world is yours doesn’t feel true to me anymore. I certainly still have a world, but it seems to have gotten much smaller. Read More>

|Categories: Life, Meditation, Progression, Relationships, Venting | Tags: , , , , , | Permalink