Rob was traveling for work this week. He had to go to Vegas for the annual Consumer Electronics Show, which he has been attending every year since at least 2008. That was the year after I started my first blog, and I wrote the following:

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Rob got back last night at 2am from a trip to Las Vegas where he spent several days communing with tech geeks from around the world at the Consumer Electronics Show. So he started his official birthday morning in an unconscious heap of jet lag, accompanied by Smokey, who does not sleep well when Rob is gone and can finally, finally rest. Which means that tonight maybe I can finally, finally rest.

For his birthday dinner Rob has requested pizza and cake. Yes, that’s right, he’s turning nine.

So for practically a decade, each new year has started out for us with CES and Rob’s birthday. I can see how much has changed just by reading that short post I wrote eight years ago. Rob would leave town for work frequently, and it hardly broke my stride at all. Aside, that is, from dealing with two annoying cats. And given the difficulties we face now, cats don’t seem particularly challenging.

I was 29 when I wrote that post. I treated his trips as excuses to eat cereal for dinner and watch whatever I wanted to watch on TV. I would work later than usual, maybe see friends. I would miss Rob, and after a few nights I’d be really, really glad when he returned. What a luxury all of it was.

Even when he used to travel and I had the two cats and a baby, things were incredibly manageable. I cooked, I cleaned, I ate cereal and watched what I wanted to on TV. I missed my husband, and I was happy when he returned.

Contrast that to the current situation, and this trip that meant so much more to everyone involved. Money being spent so that Rob could travel, issues here that I wasn’t capable of dealing with, and a dog who turns out to be a very bad listener when he senses that the man in charge has left the building.

Here’s how this year’s CES experience went. I think Rob wanted—or needed—to go for three nights, but to keep things easier for me, he only went for two. I had round-the-clock assistance, because I can’t be home alone much at all anymore, and especially not overnight. And especially not with a dog and a kid. So my assistant Marianela spent two nights with us, nights that included sleepwalking by Scarlett, psychotic barking by Otto, and an extended episode wherein my BiPAP stopped working, and it took the respiratory therapist a few hours to figure it out.

Instead of missing my husband in a normal way (somewhat emotional, somewhat logistical), I missed him in an uncomfortable way that highlighted my extreme physical dependence on him. This annoyed me, and I found myself directing that annoyance at Rob, which is obviously unfair (according to my therapist.)

Once I realized what I was doing, my first thought was to cast around for someone else to blame. But there was no one. Well, maybe Otto, but he was just being a puppy. There’s no one to blame, because this is no one’s fault. Nobody gave me ALS. This is just the way life is for us now. Maybe that sounds depressing, but for me it sort of helps balance the various emotions.

And besides, Rob’s birthday is once again coming up. I have to be nice to him! I will not be making cake, but we are going to Lake Tahoe (aka Rob’s happy place) next week. Scarlett will ski, she and Rob will go swimming, and we’ll celebrate another year of Rob in all his Robness. He still does sometimes act like a nine-year-old, but I sometimes act like a three-year-old, so who am I to judge?

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