Category Archives: Meditation

Three Nights

Wednesday: We went to the emergency room because every time I coughed, I ended up choking and it was freaking me out. I couldn’t seem to get the cough out, only push it back where it came from and make myself feel even worse. It was a little like early labor in childbirth; I ignored it for as long as I could until it was clearly time to seek professional help.

Rob was on a work retreat, so my sister drove me to the ER, with Scarlett in the backseat running a constant commentary, and driving me nuts. I was concentrating so hard on breathing. When we got to the hospital, I went ahead, while Liz handed Scarlett off to her Uncle Rob. The ER was half-full when I rolled in, with one person ahead of me at the window. I felt awful. I knew I had to cough, but the prospect had become terrifying, like filling my throat with glue and then trying to breathe around it.

A Dr. walked into the room. “Mrs Copeland?” he said, looking around. I caught his eye and made the universal sign for choking. “Mrs. Copeland?” he said again, this time to me. I shook my head, indicating that I was having an emergency. “Oh,” he said, and walked away. “You’re okay.”

When Liz walked in, she dealt with a ridiculous check-in process, all the while trying to contain her anger as she kept repeating my sister has ALS and she can’t breathe. Read More>

ICU Haiku

ER, Pneumonia
Hooked to a ventilator
Just another day

Or alternate ending:

Fuck you, ALS

Being Quiet

I’m on Day 3 of a Bad Cold. It’s not really that bad, I suppose, but it’s sort of hard to tell when you mix it with ALS. In general, I don’t have a lot of coughing or nose-blowing strength, so when I’m stuffy and congested, things can be uncomfortable. My sore throat keeps me up at night, and that really highlights the fact that I can’t move around and adjust my body very well. A cold is manageable, but those of us with ALS fear getting sick like this. The flu could involve a hospital visit. Pneumonia could be fatal.

But, lucky me, it’s just this head cold. The nicest part is that with Rob on vacation and Scarlett out of school, I’ve just been able to lie in bed and nap all day. Floating in and out of consciousness, I find that I am surprisingly apathetic towards my situation. I was napping yesterday when they went to the park for a few hours, and I vaguely connected to the thought that I was literally stuck in bed, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be still, to be alone, to be quiet.

I have more and more moments like these, even when I don’t have a cold. Read More>