Category Archives: Vanity

Picture This

I’ve been going through old pictures recently. Not the kind you print, because it’s been a long time since I’ve done that, but the ones on my computer that I haven’t seen in ages. Photos of ski trips, and hikes through the Costa Rican rainforest. Traveling with Rob on our first trip to London, when I met his family. A yoga trip in Mexico. Martha’s Vineyard right after we got engaged. Our wedding in Central Park. Our honeymoon in Italy.

I remember when I first saw most of those pictures, I thought I didn’t look so great. I picked apart my features, and judged myself in an unflattering light almost every time, but now I’m not sure why. The person I see in those photos is so fast and so active and so happy that I can’t really imagine ever thinking negatively of her. Maybe only time softens our opinions of ourselves.

Rob, Scarlett, Otto and I took holiday card photos in December with a great photographer, and I was still pretty critical of the way I looked. It’s easy to find fault with my appearance now, but I try not to do it. I have a five-year-old listening, and besides, I do like the way I look in some ways. My nails are stronger than ever, because they don’t do dishes or cook, and I certainly can’t get them in my mouth to bite them, no matter how anxious I might be feeling at any given moment. When my hair is clean (once or twice a week) it looks decent. I wear a dress every day, so I can’t be accused of schlubbing around. (But don’t inquire about the undergarments.) Read More>

|Categories: Age, Life, Vanity | Tags: , , | Permalink

Saving Face

I’m having a hate–hate relationship with my Trilogy, which is the BiPAP machine I use to breathe at night. Except, do I actually use it to breathe at night? The fact that I’m unclear about this is the biggest part of the problem.

Back in June, I was in the ER and then the ICU for a case of pneumonia. I had already been told that my breathing levels were on the decline, and the illness didn’t help. I left the hospital with both a cough assist and the Trilogy, and I was told to use the latter every night.

Friends with ALS told me to try the nasal pillow mask, because it was the smallest and most manageable. Little plastic “pillows” fit into your nose and a single strap wraps around your head. Air blows directly into your nostrils all night. But it didn’t work for me, at least not at first, because my mouth kept popping open, shifting the air around and waking me up. So I opted for a full face mask, not unlike an imprisoned serial killer who eats his victims. That’s right, I said his. It was not a good look for me. Read More>

|Categories: Doctors, Life, Vanity | Tags: , , | Permalink

Her Third Grandma

I have now been asked—two times—if I am Scarlett’s grandmother. This is not a joke. Two entire people have looked at me and seen, I guess (?), only a wheelchair. The first woman was so surprised it was comical. We’d been talking for nearly ten minutes in a park when Scarlett wandered over.

“Your granddaughter?” she asked.

“My daughter,” I said.

“Oh!” she blurted. “I thought you were my age! I’m 67.”

“I’m 36,” I told her. I could tell she felt bad, but I figured it was a one-time mistake, a trick of the light, my choice of oversized sunglasses, my shapeless maxi dress. I wasn’t insulted.

Then I took Scarlett for ice cream on Saturday, just the two of us. We rolled the mile from our house to a little sweet shop in our nearest downtown area. It’s been open since 1931, and retains the charm (and maybe a few actual bags of candy) of that time. The only thing that gives it away is the collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Hello Kitty Pez dispensers in the display window.

Scarlett likes to try to see if she can get candy out of the machines that sit outside the doorway, without putting any money in. “Let’s just see if I get lucky,” she’ll say, as if it would be the thrill of a lifetime to wind up with a free handful of rock hard sugar shaped like fruit. Read More>

|Categories: Age, Life, Vanity | Tags: , , | Permalink